JM 


GLENGALL 
The  Irish  Tutor 


PR 

4718 

G5I7 


---^;  ■ 


THE     IRISH     TT7TOR 


No.  XI. 
THE     MINO      DRAMA. 


THE  IRISH  TUTOR 


OR, 


NEW   LIGHTS. 

&    £avtt, 

IN  ONE  ACT. 
BY  THE  EARL  OF  GLENGALL. 


WITH   TETE  STAGE  BUSINESS,  CAST  OF   CHARACTERS.  RELA- 
TIVE  POSITIONS,  ETC. 


NEW     YORK; 

SAMUEL     F  R  E  N  C  il, 

122  N\ssao  Street,  (Up  Stairs.) 


CAST    OF    CHARACTERS. 

Park,  1846. 

Terry  O'Rourke,  (alias  Dr.  O'Toole) Mr.  Leonard. 

Dr.  Flail, "     Povey. 

Charles, "     Sutherland. 

Tillwell, "     Fisher. 

Beadle, "     Gallot. 

Rosa, Miss  Kale  Horn. 

Mary, Mrs.  Knight. 


COSTUMES. 

The  Costumes  are  those  of  the  present  day,  except  that  Dr. 
O'  Toole  is  clothed  with  blade  coat,  vest,  breeches,  and  silk  sttxJc' 
ings,  bushy  wig,  canonical  hatt  and  cane. 


EXITS  AND  ENTRANCES. 

R.  means  Right  ;  L.  Left  ;  R.  D.  Right  Door  ;  L.  D.  Left  Door .  S.  E- 
Second  Entrance  ;  U.  E.  Upper  Entrance  ;  M.  D.  Middle  Door. 

RELATIVE  POSITIONS. 

R.,  means  Right  ;  L.,  Left  ;  C,  Centre  ;  R.  C.,  Right  of  Centre  >  L.  C, 
Left  of  Centre. 


lilDlvj 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
SANTA  n\*T*AHA 


EDITORIAL    INTRODUCTION. 

This  admirable  and  popular  farce  was  written  by  the  Right  Honourable 
the  Earl  of  Glengall,  some  years  ago,  and  first  produced  at  the  Haymarket 
Theatre,  the  part  of  Doctor  O' Toole  being  originally  sustained  by  the  cele- 
brated Connor,  to  whose  rich  brogue,  chaste  but  exquisite  humor,  and 
admirable  acting,  the  noble  author  is  indebted  for  its  first  favorable  impres- 
sion, and  much  of  its  continued  popularity. 

When  the  late  lamented  and  gifted  actor,  Tyrone  Power,  was  the  melo- 
dramatic hero  of  the  Adelphi  Theatre,  he  alsolutely  refused  to  appear  in 
the  part  of  Doctor  O' Toole  (afterwards  one  of  his  best  performances,) 
because  ^t  was  an  Irishman  ;  and  posstively  declared  "  he  would  throw  up 
his  engagement,  rather  than  attempt  a  representation  likely  to  injure  him 
n  his  profession." 

The  delineators  of  this  class  of  characters  seem  to  regard  Dr.  O'  Toole 
with  much  affection.  The  situations  throughout  the  piece  are  effective, 
without  being  forced  ;  and  the  whole  affair  is  within  the  bounds  of  at 
lea^t "  farce"  probabilities. 

Among  the  present  personators  of  "Irish  eccentricities,"  Mr.  Leonard 
stands  pre-eminent  as  Dr.  0'7We.  His  brogue,  expression,  and  inimita- 
ble dance,  are  things  to  be  heard  and  seen  to  be  properly  appreciated. 


THE  IRISH  TUTOR. 


ACT  I. 

Scene  I. — A   Garden. —  TiltweWs   House  on  one  side,  a  wall, 
$-c. — Garden  Chair,  r..,  'near  House. 

Mary  discovered,  sealed  at  work — she  comes  forward. 

Mary.  Heigh,  ho  !  how  I  hate  working  ;  I  wish  I  was  a 
fine  lady,  and  had  nothing  to  do  but  look  out  of  the  window 
all  the  morning,  and  then  ring  the  bell  to  know  what  sort  of 
a  day  it  is,  or  to  make  the  servant  pick  up  my  pocket  hand- 
kerchief, which  I  dropped  on  purpose. 

Enter  Rosa,  on  tiptoe,  from  the  House,  r.  s.  e. 

Rosa.     Mary,  Mary,  is  my  uncle  gone  ? 

Mary.  Yes,  miss,  he  is  gone.  But  what  can  bring  you 
out  again  so  soon  ?  It  is  not  ten  minutes  since  you  were  sent 
1o  your  room,  to  study  your  lessons. 

Rosa.  That  is  true,  but  one  cannot  study  all  day,  Mary  : 
nh,  me  !  I  am  so  desperately  in  love,  I  do  not  know  what  to 
do  !     Heigh  ho  ! 

Mary.     So  am  I  miss — heigh  ho  ! 

Rosa.  But  I  never  was  so  much  in  love  before,  Mary  ; 
(.1),  dear  ! 

Mary.  I  am  very  poorly,  too  ; — oh,  law  ! — but  Miss  Ro- 
sa, how  does  it  happen  that  your  uncle  is  so  desirous  to  keep 
you  and  your  cousin,  Mr,  Charles  from  seeing  each  other  ? 
over  since  the  dear  young  man  came  back  from  West- 
minister school,  he  has  done  nothing  but  watch  you  both. 

Rosa.  That's  of  no  use,  though,  if  Charles  and  I  take  it 
into  our  heads  to  meet. 


6  THE    IRISH   TUTOR.  [  A  CT  I 

Charles  appears  at  the  Gate,  c. 

Chas.     Rosa,  Rosa,  it's  only  me,  only  your  cousin. 

Mary.  Only  you — oh  !  oh  ! — I  suppose  you  have  both 
been  studying  the  same  book  on  each  side  of  the  wall,  and 
now  are  going  to  compare  notes. 

Chas.  Very  likely.  Egad  !  I  believe  my  father  wishes 
me  to  become  a  second  Solon,  he  teases  me  so  about  reading  ; 
but  instead  of  Homer,  Horace,  and  Virgil,  give  me  red  cos- 
sacks,  guilt  spurs,  and  a  fountain  tie. 

Rosa.  I  think  you  have  been  quite  long  enough  at 
school. 

Chas.  Yes,  to  learn  that  you  are  beautiful  ;  that  the 
sweetness' of  your  heart  is  alone  to  be  equalled  by  the  bril- 
liancy of  your  eyes  ;  that  you  are  a  perfect  angel ;  that  you 
love  me  ;  and  that  I  never  shall  love  any  other  but  your  dear 
self. 

Rosa.     You  have  learned  quite  enough,  I  think. 

Mary.  Yes  ;  I  heard  my  uncle,  Dr.  Flail,  tell  your  father, 
that  the  young  men  now-a-days  knew  a  great  deal  too  much, 
too  soon  :  do  they  ? 

Chas.  Why,  I  believe  they  do  know  a  thing  or  two  ; — 
but  my  knowledge  consists  in  knowing  that  I  love  Rosa,  so 
to  the  devil  with  books,  say  I ;  one  cannot  read  when  one's 
in  love. 

Rosa.     But  when  one  is  married,  they  say  one  can. 

Chas.  True  ;  but  then  we  may  study  together  ;  here's 
poor  Mary,  who  knows  nothing  of  all  this. 

Mary.  But  indeed  I  do  ;  I  am  as  much  in  love  as  any 
body  else  ;  it's  very  hard  if  an  innocent  young  girl  like  me, 
cannot  fall  in  love  as  well  as  my  betters,  particularly  as  I 
have  nothing  but  my  character  to  depend  upon.  I  have  nev- 
er done  any  work  since  I  went  to  London  with  my  aunt  ; 
I  havn't  even  hemmed  this  apron,  though  I  have  been  at  it 
these  two  months. 

Rosa.  Do  tell  us  all  about  it  ;  is  he  a  handsome  ?  young  ? 
does  he  keep  good  company  ? 

Mary.  lie  has  always  lived  with  gentlemen  ;  he  is  a  charm- 
ing man,  not  like  our  village  folks, — such  a  fine  coat,  all 
covered  with  gold-lace  ! 

Rosa.     A  gold-laced  coat  I 

Mary.  Yes,  and  a  gold-laced  hat,  too,  and  such  a  cock- 
ade ! 


Scene  I.]  the  irish  tutor  1 

C/uis.  I  understand — lie  is  either  a  parish-bcadlc,  a  two- 
penny post-boy,  or  some  gentleman's  servant. 

Mary.  He  is  ;  but  he  told  me  that  his  master,  before  lie 
made  his  fortune,  was  no  better  than  himself  ;  so  why  should 
not  he  become  a  rich  man  ? — but,  heigh  o  !  I  have  not  heaid 
from  him  these  six  months  ;  oh,  dear  !  I  shall  die  ! 

Chas.  Poor  Mary  ! — but  when  we  are  married,  we  will 
endeavour  to  find  him  out  for  you.  I  suspect,  however,  there 
is  some  plot  forming  against  us. 

Mary.     How  so  ? 

Chas.  Your  uncle,  the  schoolmaster,  and  my  father,  are 
always  in  close  consultation. 

Mary.     No  good  can  come  of  that. 

liusa.  Do  they  suspect  that  we  mean  to  go  to  the  ball  in 
the  village  to-night  ? 

Mary.  No,  no, — for  I  heard  your  uncle  order  his  car- 
riage at  four  o'clock,  as  he  dined  at  Parson  Scrapeall's — it 
must  be  something  else. 

Chas.  Then  we  must  out-manceuvre  them  ; — but  here 
comes  my  father  ;  be  off,  run — (Exeunt  Reset  and  Mary.) 
1  shall  follow  you  in  a  moment. — Now  to  escape  this  way, 
if  I  can,  unperceived.  [Endeavors  to  creep  off  silly. 

Enter  Tillwell,  r. 

Till.  Stop,  sir,  stop,  what  are  you  at  ?  do  you  call  this 
reading  ? — I  thought  you  were  studying,  instead  of  which, 
I  catch  you  creeping  about  the  garden  Idee  a  caterpillar. 

Chas.  I  have  been  studying,  sir, — getting  some  beautiful 
flights  of  fancy  by  heart. 

Till.  Let  me  hear  them,  sir, — if  you  have  got  them  by 
heart. 

Chas.  Your  sudden  appearance,  sir,  has  driven  them 
away  ;  they  will  return  presently,  sir. 

Till.  Nonsense,  sir — 'twas  not  that  way  I  made  my  for- 
tune,— no,  but  by  close  application  ;  up  at  six,  and  never 
stirred  from  my  desk  until  I  had  dotted  up  every  variation  of 
the  funds,  looked  over  the  bulls  and  bears,  and  scratched  out 
the  lame  ducks — I  regret,  certainly,  that  business  prevented 
me  from  reading  ;  however  sir,  I  have  made  up  my  mind  with 
regard  to  you. 

Chas.     May  1  ask  the  result? 


8  THE    IRISH   TUTOR.  [ACT  I 

Till.  You  shall  know  soon  enough, — perhaps  to-day  ;  in 
the  mean  time  you  are  at  liberty. 

Chas.  (Aside).  Then  I  am  off  to  Rosa — a  plot,  by  Ju- 
piter  !  [Exit,  r.  s.  e. 

Till.  Yes,  I  every  hour  feel  my  want  of  education  ;  he, 
however,  shall  be  well  informed. 

Enter  Dr.  Flail,  l. 

Flail.  They  say  she  is  here,  Mary — Oh,  Mr.  Tillwell, 
your  most  obedient,  very  humble  servant — I  was  seeking  for 
my  niece.  You  look  extremely  nourishing  to-day,  sir  ;  char- 
ming weather,  sine  die,  no  rain,  as  Horace  says. 

Till.  You  are  welcome,  Dr.  Flail,  always  welcome  ;  how 
does  it  happen  that  your  school  is  over  so  early  to-day  ? 

Flail.  In  consequence  of  the  ever-to-be-lamented  decease 
of  the  much-respected  Mrs.  Shandy,  Mrs.  Flail's  grand  aunt, 
who  died  of  indigestion,  I  have  given  the  boys  a  half-holiday 
on  the  melancholy  occasion  ! — Have  you  considered  of  that 
business,  sir,  we  last  talked  upon  ! 

Till.     Yes,  I  shall  follow  your  advice. 

Flail.  Recte  Domine — fiat  lux  !  right,  sir  ;  depend  upon 
it,  sir,  severity,  rigid  severity,  is  the  only  system  of  educa- 
tion to  pursue,  if  you  mean  to  do  a  boy  real  good  ;  I  make 
it  a  rule,  whenever  the  head  is  slow  in  answering,  immedi- 
ately to  apply  to  the  tail  for  further  information,  and  that 
pretty  briskly, — its  effects  are  astounding.  Oh,  sir,  you 
might,  among  a  thousand,  know  a  boy  who  has  passed 
through  my  hands — butyour  son  is  too  old  to  be  treated  like 
a  boy — too  old. 

Till.     I  agree  with  you. 

Flail.  Therefore  you  want  a  most  impressive,  powerful- 
minded  tutor  for  him  ;  one  who  would  live  in  your  house. 

Till.     Certainly,  right. 

Flail.  (Aside.)  It  hits. — Who  would  dine  at  your  table 
daily. 

Till.  To  be  sure  ;  besides,  I  mean  to  give  this  tutor  two 
hundred  pounds  a-year — no  man  of  genius  would  receive 
less. 

Flail.  (Aside.)  I  am  a  made  man — two  hundred  pounds 
a-year  1  oh,  sir,  you  are  too — 

Till.     Yes,  two  hundred  pounds  a-year,  and  the  gentle- 


Scene  I.]  the  misn  tutor.  9 

man  I  have  pitched  upon  is  a  person  of  the  most  exquisite 
talent,  whose  erudition  is  alone  to  be  equalled  by  his  poJito 
breeding, — that  gentleman  is — is  coming  to-day  ;  I  have  lost 
no  time  in  finding  one  since  you  gave  me  the  idea, — I  shall 
always  remember  that  it  is  to  you  alone  I  owe  it ;  good  mor- 
row, Dr.  Flail.      [Exit  into  House,  r. 

Flail.  But,  my  dear  sir,  my  great  anxiety,  my  affection, 
— Oh,  damn  your  remembrance,  since  you  have  forgotton  me 
now — an  ignorant,  stockjobbing,  ratcatching,  old  quill- 
driver  1 

Enter  Mary  from  Hoibsc. 

Mary.     Dear  uncle,  what's  the  matter  ? 

Flail.     Lodge  in  his  house,  too  ! 

Mary      What  can  have  happened  ? 

Flail.     Dine  at  his  table,  too  ! 

Mary.     Oh,  Uncle  Flail— how  is  this  ? 

Flail.  I  have  lost  all  this,  and  two  hundred  ''pounds  a- 
year  into  the  bargain  ;  my  whole  school  is  not  worth  half  the 
money — I'll  flog  every  boy  in  it  before  dinner  :  oh,  that  I 
had  old  Tillwell  for  a  pupil,  I'd  discipline  him  smartly,  I  would. 

Mary.     Discipline  old  Mr.  Tillwell  ! 

Flail,  Or  old  Mr.  Methusalem,  either, — oh,  dear  !  only 
think,  old  Mr.  Tillwell  has  sent  to  London  for  a  tutor  for 
Charles, — for  some  stupid  numskull,  or  inflated  pedantic 
booby  :  as  if  I  was  not  on  the  spot,  the  very  man  to  suit 
him. 

Mary.     Very  true, — what  an  oversight  ! 

Flail.  But  we  will  conspire  against  this  tutor  ;  set  the 
parish  against  him  ;  invent  lies  against  him  ;  make  mischief 
between  him  and  the  servants  ;  we  will  root  him  out  ;  only 
let  me  know  when  ho  arrives. 

[Exit  furiously,  L. 

Mary.  So,  this  is  the  plot  against  Charles  ;  I  shall  tell 
him  all  this  directly, — who  have  we  here? 

Dr.  O Took.  (Without,  l.)  By  your  lave,  sir,  by  your 
lave,  1  have  neither  trunks,  p'ortmantils,  or  vallases, — 

Enter  Dr.  O'Toole,  l. 

Them  saddle-baj?s  only  is  mine  ;  I  always  lave  my  luggage 
behind   me   at  home   when    I  thravel,   that  I  may   have   it 


10  THE    IRISH   TUTOR.  [Ad    I. 

handy,  if  I  want  to  clane  myself  when  I  am  flirty  ;  I  make 
a  mighty  dasint  appearince.  So  now  for  ould  Tillwell, — hal- 
loo, there  !  is  there  no  one  to  presint  me  ? 

Mary.     Who  can  this  be  ? 

Dr.  OT.  (hardly  noticing  her.)  Oh,  young  woman,  inform 
Mr.  Tillwell  that  the  lamed  master  of  arts,  he  expected  to- 
day, is  just  dropped  at  this  door  by  the  short  coach.  Hur- 
ry, now,  hurry. 

Mary.  Bless  me  !  it  must  be  him  ;  yes,  though  likenesses 
are  so  deceptive,  still —     [Exit  slowly  into  the  House. 

Dr.  OT.  How  the  crature  stares  !  does  she  take  me  for 
a  bonassus,  or  the  American  sea-sarpint !  I  should  be  mighti 
ly  surprised  if  any  one  recognised  me,  as  I  hardly  recognise 
myself  in  my  master's  clothes,  who,  having  accepted  the  sit- 
uation of  Tutor  to  old  Tillwell's  child,  but  being  too  ill  to  un- 
dertake it,  writes  ould  Tillwell  a  letter  to  turn  him  off,  which 
letter  I  don't  put  into  the  post  as  he  tould  me,  but  into  this 
pocket-book  ;  so  taking  my  wages,  and  his  clothes,  I  came 
here  as  Dr.  O'Toole  himself, — two  hundred  a-year,  ateing 
and  dhrinking  too  !  That  will  do  for  a  while,  but  the  learn- 
ing ;  I  have  a  choice  smattering  of  Latin,  picked  up  by  wait- 
ing behind  parsons,  dissinting  preachers,  attorneys,  and  the 
like  ;  och  !  instead,  I'll  teach  young  Tillwell  elegant  Irish,  in 
the  mother  tongue,  and  give  him  the  raal  acciut,  too.  Here 
he  comes. 

Enter  Tillwell,  from  the  House,  r.  s.  e. 

Till.  Dr.  O'Toole,  I  am  proud  to  see  you  ;  delighted,  sir, 
to  have  a  gentleman  of  your  refined  talents,  an  inmate  in  my 
house. 

Dr.  O  T.     So  am  I,  sir  ;  you  flatther  me,  sir. 

lill.     You  are  modest,  sir. 

Dr.  O  T.    I  am  sir. 

Till.  I  admire  talent  so  much,  sir,  though  I  never  studied 
myself,  that  instead  of  remunerating  those  who  possess  it.  I 
could  almost  wish  to  change  places  with  them. 

Dr.  OT.  With  the  greatest  pleasure  imaginable,  sir; 
people  of  our  profession  are  very  apt  to  change  places  ;  but 
I  am  dying  to  see  my  little  pupil — I'll  sarve  him  willingly,  I 
mane,  instruct  him  with  all  my  heart,  teach  him  all  I  know, 
which,  if  he  follows  my  system,  will  not  take  him  loug  to 
lam. 


Scene  I.]  the  irish  tutor.  ]  ] 

Till.  But  lie  is  not  so  young  as  you  appear  to  think  ;  he 
is  twenty-one,  and  already  much  advanced. 

Dr.  OT.     Oh,  houly  Paul !  I  thought  he  was  an  urchin  ! 

Till.     No,  no,  he  is  a  perfect  master  of  Latin. 

Dr.  OT.     Then  I  need  not  larn  him  that  same. 

Till.  lie  understands  Mathematics,  Algebra,  Metaphy- 
sics, mid  Logic. 

Dr.  OT.  By  your  lave,  then,  sir,  if  he  knows  so  much 
already,  what  am  I  to  teach  him? 

Till.  I  wish  you  to  finish  his  education,  to — to  form  his 
manners,  to — 

Dr.  O  T.  I  have  it,  honey — och  !  you  mane  me  to  give 
him  the  finishing  brush,  the  compkite  polish,  I'm  the  boy 
for  that — [As  if  cleaning  a  boot — recovers  himself  . — Aside.] 
In  the  boot-hole  again. 

Till.  Exactly — you  are  right — to  fit  him  for  society,  for 
the  best  company. 

Dr.  O  T.  Say  no  more  about  it ;  I'll  teach  him  not  to 
swear  at  the  sarvints,  not  to  sind  them  of  messages,  nor 
to  make  too  five  with  the  housemaids  ather. 

Till.     Yes,  yes,  of  course,  but  that's  not  all. 

Dr.  OT.  No,  not  all ;  but  we  think  a  dale  of  that,  it's 
part  of  my  system. 

Till.  Very  good,  sir  ;  I  must,  however,  inform  you  of 
one  tiling, — he  is  in  love  with  his  cousin,  my  niece  ;  I  in- 
tend they  should  many,  but   not  yet— you  understand  me. 

Dr.  O  T    Santainly,  not  till  he   has  the  polish  complate. 

Till.  [Aside]  This  is  the  very  man  I  wanted. — I  hope, 
sir,  your  residence  here  will  be  agreeable  to  you  ;  you 
will  find  a  very  delightful  acquaintance  in  the  village,  a 
brother  instructor,  Dr.  Flail,  a  great  scholar — but  you  will 
puzzle  him,  no  doubt  ;  I  will  introduce  him  to  you. 

Dr.  OT  [Aside.]  I'll  be  blown  before  I'm  warm  in  the 
house.  (TiUwell  rings  the  door-bell, — O' Toole  turns  sudden- 
ly.) Coming. 

Till.  (Surprised)  What  1 

Dr  OT.  Oh,  I  mane  some  one  is  coming.  (Aside)  In 
the  pantry  again. 

Enter  Mary,  icith  a  bunch  of  Leys,  r.  s.  e. 

Till.  Oh,  Mary,  follow  us,  and  show  Dr.  O'Toole  to  his 
apartment.     1  will  send  my  son  to  you,  sir 


12  THE    IRISH    TUTOR.  [Ad.  I 

[Exeunt  ceremoniously  into  the  house,  r.  s.  e 
Mary.     I  am  quite  positive  that  is  him.        [Exit,  r.  s.  e. 

Scene  II. —  A  Drawing-Room. — A  table  and  two    Chairs. 

Enter  Mary,  showing  in  Dr.  O'Toole. 

Mary.     This  way,  sir,  this  way — it  is  him.    » 

Dr.  OT.  This  Dr.  Flail  bothers  me  ;  but  the  father  is 
a  common  fool,  I  see,  therefore  I  shall  be  sinse  carrier  to 
the  family,  and  have  a  sinecure  place  of  it  into  the  bargain, 

Mary.  I  can  bear  it  no  louger.  Terry  O'Rourke,  I 
say,  Terry  ! 

Dr.  OT.  Who's  calling?  Oh,  murther  !  I'll  bo  con- 
iounded  now  ! 

Mary     'Tis  he,  'tis  he  ! 

Dr.  OT.  (Looking  at  her.)  Och  !  upon  my  conscience! 
it's  the  little  girl  I  promised  to  make  a  man  of,  by  making 
her  Mrs.  O'Rourke.  (Resuming  his  impudence. )  I'll  thank 
you  to  lade  me  to  my  apartment.  (Aside.)  I'll  swear  her 
out  honestly. 

Mary.  How  dare  you  behave  so,  you  brute  ?  do  you 
pretend  to  know  me  ? 

Dr.  O  T.  (Aside)  I'd  have  been  a  happy  man,  if  I  ne- 
ver had  been  born.  Upon  my  credit,  I  never  saw  you 
before  ;  the  crature's  coraprehinsion  is  disorthered. 

Mary.     (Crying.)  You'll  break  my  heart  ! 

Dr.  O  T.  Now  she  has  began  to  cry,  there's  no  reason 
why  she  should  ever  stop  ;  no,  no,  my  dear,  you  are  wrong, 
indeed  you  are,  I'm  not  him  ;*you  mistake  me,  very  natu- 
rally, for  some  other  blackguard  that  has  ill-trated  you. — 
(Aside.)  Oh,  kill  me  !  -but  the  girls  were  always  the  ruin 
of  the  O'Rourkes  and  O'Tooles. 

Mary.  (Crying.)  I — I — will  unmask  your  villany,  I 
will  ? 

Dr.  OT.  Och,  then,  we  are  both  bothered  entirely  ; 
think  of  your  own  interest ;  I  am  your  own  dear  Terry 
O'Rourke,  but  at  prisent  I'm  my  master,  Dr.  O'Toole. 
(Kneels,  she  cries.)  There,  there,  honey,  jewel,  dry  your 
winkers,  dry  them  !  Oh,  murther,  murther  ! 
Enter  Tii.lwkli.,  l. — Mary  runs  off,  r.,   dropping  her   keys 

Till.     What,  what  do  I  see,  eh  I 


ScE.VE  II.]  THE    IRISH   TUTOR.  13 

Dr.  OT.  (Aside.)  Ould  Tillwell,  by  all  that's  houly  !— 
I  dare  say,  sir,  that  you  are  after  thinking  that  I  was  on 
my  knees  ;  not  at  all,  no* in  the  laste. 

Till.     But  you  are  still,  doctor. 

Dr.  O'  T.  (Rising  and  picking  up  ihe  keys.)  Why,  I  be- 
lieve, sir,  it  had  rather  the  appearance  of  it ;  the — the  lit- 
tle child  dropped  them  kayes,  which  I  picked  up  rather 
awkwardly,  I'll  allow. 

Till.     Oh,  oft*,  Doctor,  you  are  gallant. 

Dr.  OT.     By  no  manes  ;  civility  is  part  of  my  system. 

Till.     An  odd  system,  yours,  Doctor,  I  think. 

Dr.  O  T.  You  think — then  I  presume  you  pretind  to 
think  that  you  have  more  sinse  than  I  ;  that  you  know 
better  than  I  ;  do  you  pretind  to  doubt  my  system. 

Till.     No,  no,  sir  ;  I  pretend  to  no  such  thing. 

Dr.  O  T.  Then  I  am  asy — for  if  you  thought  yourself 
a  more  sinsible  man  than  me,  I  ought  to  give  you  the  ate- 
ing  and  dhrinking,  and  the  two  hundred  pounds  a-year  you 
give  me — (Aside.)  Which  would  not  be  quite  convanient 
at  this  presint ;  that's  mathematics. 

Till.  What  you  say  is  true  enough,  though  somewhat 
curiously  expressed  ;  but  you  Irish  gentlemen  of  talent 
have  extraordinary  methods  of  communicating  information. 
I  came  to  announce  Dr.  Flail  and  my  Charles — here  they 
are. 

Enter  Flail  and  Charles,  l. 
Doctor  Flail,  Doctor  O'Toole. 

Dr.  C  T.  (  To  Flail.)  I  am  extremely  proud  at  the  hon- 
our you  intind  me,  sir,  by  making  my  well  known  acquaint- 
ance. 

Flail.     Sir,  your  most  obedient.  (Coldly. 

Till.     This  is  my  son  Charles,  Doctor. 

Dr.  O  T.     A  very  choice  young  gintlemen,  by  my  faith. 

Chas      (Aside.)  Oh  !  Mary  is  right  ! 

FloU.  (Asida.)  Now  to  attack  this  pantheon  of  erudi- 
tion.— Sir  if  I  may  make  so  bold,  may  I  request  some  in- 
sight ihto  your  system  of  education  ? 

Dr.  O'T.  Oh,  you  are  heartily  welchme — mine  is  the 
ould  tie-wig,  orthodox  system* 

Till.  Listen,  Charles  ;  this  conversation  will  be  instruc- 
tive 


14  THE   IRISH   TUTOR,  [ACT  I. 

Flail.  Oh,  orthodox — hem  1  then,  sir,  you  do  r,ot  belong 
to  any  of  those  new  lights  ? 

Dr.  OT.  (Aside.)  Belong  to  the  new  lights  !  what  does 
he  mane  ?  och  !  he  manes  the  gas. — No,  sir,  I  do  not  be- 
long to  any  of  those  new  light  companies  ;  I  wish  I  did  ; 
I  think  them  very  useful  indeed,  particularly  when  one  is 
in  the  dark,  though,  to  be  sure,  they  sometimes  smell  very 
offensively. 

Flail.  (Aside.)  "What  can  he  mean  ?  the  new  lights 
smell  very  offensively  !  egad,  I  don't  like  him  ;  I'll  try 
him  again,  however. — I  understand  you,  sir  :  as  you  are 
so  orthodox,  sir,  may  I  ask  your  opinion  of  that  new  Lan- 
caster system  ? 

Dr.  O  T.  Lancaster  system,  sir  !  I  never  was  at  Lan- 
caster, sir,  in  all  my  life  ;  I  know  nothing  about  it,  sir  ; 
don't  know  a  street  in  it :  I  came  from  Ballyraggct,  in  tht 
county  of  Kilkenny,  all  the  way,  now,  sir  ! 

Chas.     The  two  blockheads  will  unmask  themselves. 

Flail.  (Aside.)  He  is  an  ignoramus.  I'll  pulverize  him. 
Then,  sir,  since  you  know  nothing  about  Lancaster,  what 
say  you  to  that  system  of  Bell's  ? 

Dr.  O'  T.  Och  !  now  I'll  answer  you  in  a  crack  ;  you 
have  just  hit  it,  that's  my  subject.  I'll  answer  Bell's 
against  any  man  in  Europe,  upstairs,  or  down  stairs  ;  I've 
been  at  it  all  my  life,  nothing  has  given  me  so  much  trou- 
ble. I  know  every  note,  from  the  parlour — [Aside.] — Oh, 
blood  and  turf,  I'll  be  in  the  pantry  again.  [Resuming.] 
Yes,  sir,  upon  bells,  as  Ramulus  and  Ramus  says,  in  his 
first  book  upon — in  his  second  chapter  of — where  he  proves 
that  this  and  that,  and  the  other  is  the  other,  and  this  and 
that, —  oh,  it  is  beautifully  written  !  if  I  change  a  word  of 
the  text,  tell  me,  where  he  decides,  that  true  philosophy 
is  faal  Chiropodiston.  Now,  sir,  after  what  I  have  said, 
there  is  nothing  more  to  be  said  ; — so  what  have  you  to 
say? 

Flail.  [Aside.)  I  am  astonished,  he's  a  genius  ! — I  say, 
sir — 

Dr.  OT.     I  differ  with  you  there,  sir— 

Flail.  I  say,  that  any  man,  who  would  put  such  a  book 
as  Romulus  and  Remus  into  a  child's  hand,  would  put  the 
— the  Heathen  Conehology  ! 

Dr,  OT.     Sol  would,  sir— 


Scene  II.1  the  irish  tutor.  15 

Flail.     Tliere's  a  fellow,  there  ! — there  ! 

Dr.  CT.  lSo,  no,  not  unless  the  child  could  not  read, — 
then  it  could  not  do  any  great  dale  of  harm  ;  you'll  allow 
that,  I  suppose. 

Flail.  Oh,  sir,  you  are  exposed  ;  own  it,  it's  plain  ;  oh, 
you  are  beat,  beat. 

Dr  O'T.  Bate,  bate,  och  !  by  all  the  powers,  if  it's  ba- 
ting you've  come  to,  that's  another  part  of  my  system  ! — so 
here's  at  you,  you  sop — his — tcr. — (Flics  at  Flail,  who  cries 
for  mercy — I'M  well  and  Charles  push  Flail  off,  SfC,  to  save 
him — exit  Flail,  t.J  Go  to  the  devil,  you  booby,  with  your 
Lancastors  and  Bells — give  me  ould  Day  and  Martin. 
However,  sir,  I've  proved  that  fellow  a  fool — och,  sir  he 
tried  to  hide  his  ignorance  by  getting  into  a  passion,  a  com- 
mon trick. 

Till.  Very  true,  doctor  ;  I  knew  you  would  puzzle  him 
— right,  right ;  however,  as  I  fear  his  temper,  must  be  a 
little  ruffled,  I  will  see  after  him. — In  the  mean  time  do  you 
and  my  son  converse  a  little — become  acquainted. 

[Exit.  L. 

Chas.     Better  acquainted  than  he  thinks. 

Dr.  CT  Huzza  !  I've  gained  the  day  ;  Ballyragget 
forever  !    thank  god,  I've  elegant  lungs  ! — Erin  go  bragh  ! 

Chas.     Halloo,  you,  sir,  bawling  there  1 

Dr.  O  T.  Halloo,  sir,  hoy,  hoy  ;  I  must  tache  you  con- 
decinsion  and  polite  breeding,  I  see  ! 

Chas.  Oh,  nonsense,  nonsense  ;  Mary  has  told  me  all — ■ 
ajl  about  it. 

Dr.  O1  T.  And  I  dare  say  she  will  tell  you  a  dale  more, 
if  you  listen  to  her. 

Chas.  Pooh,  pooh  1  I  know  you,  Terry  O'Rourke,  who 
used  to  play  the  fiddle  for  us  so  well,  at  Lord  Blarney,s, 
in  ( 'onnaught-place. 

Dr.OT,  Och,  I'm  blown  1  och,  Mary!  well,  sir,  since 
you  have  found  me  out,  1,11  be  candid,  and  own  myself  Mr. 
O'Rourke. 

Chas.  Egad  !  you  have  the  impudence  of  the  devil  to 
attempt  this  trick. 

Dr.  OT.  "Why,  sir,  they  have  tould  me  that  I  had  im« 
pudence  enough  to  set  up  an  assurance-office. 

Chas.  And  if  you  failed,  'twould  not  be  for  the  want  of 
capital, — but  keep  our  secret,  and  we  will  keep  yours. 


16  THE  IRISH  TUTOR.  [ACT  I. 

Dr.  OT.  And  will  keep  the  £200.  a-year  ateing  and 
dhrinking  ? 

Chas.  Certainly.  Now,  Terry,  that  we  understand  each 
other,  I'll  explain  :  my  father  goes  out  to  dinner  to-day  ; 
when  he  is  off,  we  mean  to  go  to  the  dance  in  the  village  ;  if 
we  should  be  found  out  there,  you  must  swear  through  thick 
and  thin,  we  did  not  stir  from  the  house  ;  I've  a  visit  to 
.make  before  starting,  so  brush  my  coat,  while  I  put  on  i 
another  neckcloth. 

Dr.  OT.  Oh,  sir,  a  Master  of  Arts  like  me,  brush  a 
coat  ! 

Chas.     Terry  O'Rourke  1 

[  Throws  him  his  coat  and  exit,  r. 

Dr.  O  T.     If  I  must,  I  must,  there's  no  choice  left — it's 

a  great  sinking  in  poetry,  this — (Hangs  coat  over  a  chair, 

and  brushes  or  beats  it.)  but  £200  a-year,  ateing  and  dhrink- 

ing.  [  Singing. 

Enter  Tillwell,  l. 

Till.  Before  I  go,  Doctor — halloa  !  how  now  !  what, 
brushing  my  son's  coat  ! 

Dr.  OT.  (aside.)  Oh,  murther,  murther  1  what,  what'll 
I  do  ? — Yes,  sir,  yes,  sir, — but  be  asy  :  say  nothing  about 
it  ;    hould  your  noise  ;  it's  aqually  a  part  of  my  system. 

Till.  This  is  most  astonishing  ;  one  moment  on  your 
knees  to  the  housemaid,  at  another,  brushing  my  sou's 
coat  !  it's  beyond  my  cemprehension. 

Dr.  O  T  That  it  might  asily  be  !  but  wait,  and  you 
shall  have  a  diluted  elucidation  of  my  mailing. 

Chas.     (Within.)  Bring  me  my  coat,  look  sharp. 

Dr.  OT.  There,  there,  he's  waiting  for  it  :  just  let  me 
hurry  with  it  to  him — I  tould  you  so. 

Till.  No,  sir.  I  insist  upon  it,  that  you  do  not ;  let  him 
wait  and  learn  respect  to  his  superiors. 

Dr.  O  T.     ( Aside.)  I'll  be  killed  immadiately. 

Enter  Charles,  quickly,  r. 

Chas.  The  deuce  take  you,  why  don't  you  bring  me  my 
coat?  I've  a  great  mind  to — (Sees    Till. — ajypears  abashed.) 

Dr.  OT.  Strike  me,  I  dare  say  :  what  hinders  you  ?-— 
(  To  Till..)  Now,  sir,  I'll  give  my  pupil  a  lesson  of  the  firs't 
quality   and  description — ( To   Chas.)     Hark   ye,    sirrah  ! 


Scene  II.]  the  irish  tutor.  11 

hem  !  (Aside.)  it's  all  Betty  Martin. — I  have  demaned  my- 
self by  brushing  your  coat,  to  tache  you  modesty — like 
the  Romans  and  Thabans,  I  practise  what  I  praach  ;  I, 
however,  shall  never  dust  your  jacket  again  (if  I  can  help 
it ;)  take  your  coat,  and  larn  that  insolence  to  superiors 
Hades  youth  into  the  pantry  of  iniquity  and  boot-hole  of 
corruption.  ('Chas.  affects  to  be  muck  abashed.)  Look  al 
him,  Mr.  Tiliwell ;  there's  repentance  ! 

Till.     I  am  quite  astonished,  indeed  ! 

Dr.  OT.  (To  Chas.J  Remember,  sir,  that  you  don't  for 
get. 

Till.  Your  plan  is  admirable,  and  quite  original  ;  oh  1 
he's  a  great  man.  I  had  forgotten  my  business,  however. 
I  return  to  tell  you  the  principal  thing  ;  there  are  sports 
in  the  village  this  evening  ;  upon  no  account  let  him  go, 
but  come  with  me  as  far  as  my  carriage,  and  I  will  explain 
mvself  tally. 

Dr.  WT.  He  is  not  recovered  yet,  sir  ;  oh  !  he  rcpints! 
[Exeunt  Tilliccll  and  Dr.  O  Toole,  significantly,  l. 

Ckas.  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  what  luck  I  am  in  to  have  Terry 
O'Rourke  for  a  tutor !  what  good  fortune  !  ha  !  ha  ! 

Enter  Rosa,  r. 

Rosa.  My  uncle  is  just  going,  so  we  shall  have  the  house 
to  ourselves  in  a  minute  ;  shall  we  throw  it  out  of  the  win- 
dow, or  what  ? 

C/ias.  Have  mercy  on  the  staircase  ;  we  will  be  off  to 
the  village  the  moment  the  coast  is  clear. 

Rosa.  With  all  my  heart.  Mary  has  just  told  me,  that 
her  old  sweetheart,  Terry  O'Rourke,  is  come  down  as  your 
tutor.  [Both  laugh. 

Enter  Mary,  l. 

Mary.  Mr.  Tiliwell  is  gone  to  dinner — but  just  as  he 
got  into  his  carriage,  one  of  my  uncle's  schoolboys  gava 
him  a  letter  ;  it  seemed  to  annoy  him  very  much,  but  he  is 
gone. 

Chas.  What  could  it  be  ?  oh,  perhaps  nothing  !  never 
mind  it. 

Mary.  But  that's  not  all :  when  he  drove  off,  Dr.  TO'oolo 
came  to  me,  and  said  he,  "  Mary,  my  dear,  I've  something 
tinder  to  say  to  you  ;  which  is  your  room,  darling  ?" 


18  THE   IRISH  TUTOR.  l  ACT   I 

Rosa.    You  of  course,  did  not  tell  him. 

Mary.  Oh,  no  !  I  did  not  tell  him,  I  only  pointed  to  the 
window,  so — so — 

C/ias.  Oh,  you  innocent  little  angel !  but  come,  let's 
away  to  the  village  gayeties,  and  set  fun  and  frolic  going. 

Exeunt,  l. 

Scene  III. — A  Village  Green — Booths  erected. 

The  Beadle  anal  groups  of  Country  People  discovered. 

1st  Coun.  Well,  boys,  but  where  can  Mr.  Charles  be? 
we  shall  be  all  life  when  he  comes. 

2d  Coun.  He  be'ant  gone  to  dine  wi'  the  Parson  Scrape- 
all — be  he  ? 

3d  Coun.  No,  he  be'ant — he  w'arnt  dine  wi'  no  man  as 
gives  his  neighbor's  ducks,  and  what  not,  to  feed  his  'quain- 
tances — I  knows.     Here'am  is,  howsomever — hurra  ! 

Enter  Charles,  Rosa,  and  Mary,  l.  u.  e. 

All.     "Welcome,  Mr.  Charles,  Miss  Rosa. 

Cha,  Thank  ye  kindly,  good  folks — now  for  mirth,  for 
glee,  for  jollity  ! 

Rosa.     A  dance,  I  say,  a  dance. 

All.     A  dance,  a  dance. 

Bea.     Yes,  let  us  dance  and  be  merry. 

[  With  great  seriousness. 

Chas.  Here  are  lots  of  pretty  girls,  I  hope  they  will 
soon  have  partners — for  life,  eh? 

B~<i,     (Aside.)     So  do  they,  I  dare  say. 

Mary.     But  where's  the  music  ? 

1st  Coun.  Old  Rosin,  the  fiddler,  has  got  a  little  beside 
hisself,  you  see,  can't  stand  no  how, — here  is  his  fiddle, 
however. 

Chas.     This  is  unlucky,  indeed  ;  oh,  dear  I 

Enter  Dr.  O'Toole,  r.  in  a  hurry,  his  dress  disordered. 

Dr.  O  T.  I'm  kilt,  I'm  kilt,  I'm  nearly  murthered  ;  oh, 
my  back,  my  back,  my  back  is  bruck  ! 

Chas.     What's  the  matter  ?  halloo  ! 

Dr.  O  T.  Oh,  Mr.  Charles,  you  here  ?  oh,  the  dhroullest 
advinture  in  the  world  ;  I'll  tell  you  all  about  it.     Och  J 


Scene  III.]  the  irish  tutor.  10 

here  you  are,  at  the  village  sports,  just  where  your  father 
tould  you  not  to  be. 

Chas.  That's  just  why  I  came  ;  hould  your  prate,  pick 
out  a  pretty  girl,  and  give  an  Irish  jig. 

Dr.  OT.  Oh  !  consider  the  dignity  of  my  station  !  not 
but  if  I  chose,  I  could  cut  it  over  the  buckle  with  any  man 
in  Monster. 

Cha.  I  have  it,  then  ;  since  you  wont  dance,  you  shall 
play — give  him  the  fiddle, — my  tutor  is  the  best  fiddler  in 
Europe  :  places,  boys,  places  ! 

Dr.  O  T.  Oh  !  by  no  manes  !  consider  the  delicacy  of 
my  situation, — your  tutor, — you  would  not  debase  me  so 
much  ? 

Chas.  No,  I'll  elevate  you  ;  here,  jump  up  on  that  bar- 
rel, or  I'll  knock  you  down  ;  it  will  make  a  capital  orches- 
tra. 

Dr.  O  T.  Och  !  my  dignity  is  complatcly  bothered.  If 
I  must,  I  must,  so  here  goes.  « 

[Gets  on  barrel — the  Villagers  range  themselves. 

Chas.     I  dance  with  Rosa. 

Bea.     And  I  with  Miss  Tabitha  Jenkins. 

Dr.  O  T.     Now,  then,  what'll  you  have  ?  Paddy  O'Raf- 

ferty,  Murphy   de  Lany,   or   Kiss   my  Lady  ?  all's  one  to 

Dr.  O'Toole  !     (Flays — the  dance  goes  on  spiritedly — Beadle. 

dances    ridiculously — the    Doctor  gets  very   animated, 

and  foots  it  on  the  barrel. 

Enter  Tillwell,  r. 

Till.     Charles,  and  Dr.  O'Toole,  too  ! 

{Doctor  hides  the  fiddle  under  his  coat. 

Dr.  OPT.     Bothered  to  perdition  !  I'm  ruined  entirely  ! 

Till.     Dr.  O'Toole,  this  is  beyond  bearing. 

Dr.  OT.  Why,  sir,  you  see  me  here,  I  believe;  I  am 
here,  I  think,  sir  ;  but  don't  lay  it  at  my  door.  When  1 
left  you  I  found  Mr.  Charles  here,  so  I  came  after  him  to 
take  him  oil  ;  it's  as  plain  as  a  pikestaff. 

Till.  But  why,  then,  sir,  should  you  be  the  person  to 
play  the  fiddle  for  them  ;  to  stank  on  that  tub  ? 

Dr.  OT.  From  a  feeling  I  had,  that  if  I  did  not  play 
for  them,  these  good  people  would  show  me  the  short  cut 
to  the  horse-pond  :  and  as  to  the  tub,  'tis  a  philosopher's 
place  ;  didn't  one  Thady  Diogenes  live  in  one  ? 


20  THE   IRISH  TUTOK.  [ACT  I. 


Enter  Flail,  e.  running. 

Till.     I'll  believe  you  no  longer. 

Flail.  I  nearly  broke  his  back  with  the  broomstick  I 
wish  I'd  broke  his  head. 

Dr.  OPT.  That's  not  so  asy  ;  'tis  thicker  than  you  think  ; 
but  upon  my  honour  and  conscience,  my  intintions  were 
those  of  a  gentleman. 

Till.  Do  you  mean  by  that,  sir,  that  you,  a  person  in 
your  high  situation,  would  marry  my  niece's  maid? 

Dr.  OT.  A  man  of  my  dignity  can  afford  to  overlook 
little  inequality  of  rank.  What  fortune,  Dr.  Flail,  has 
she  ? 

Flail.  £400  ;  if  she  chooses,  she  may  marry  you-:  I  am 
only  her  guardian. 

Dr.  OT.  Then,  Mary  my  jewel,  you  are  mine  :  con- 
sider yourself  as  Mrs.  Rourke  for  the  rest  of  your  born  days. 

Bea.     I'll  set  the  bells  ringing. 

Dr.  O  T.  Oh,  to  the  devil  with  your  bells.  I  hate  the 
sound  of  them  ;  stop  till  your're  tould  to  ring  ;  but  as  Mr. 
Charles  and  Miss  Rosa  are  going  to  be  married,  you  can 
ring  for  us  altogether. 

Till.  What  do  you  mean,  sir  ?  who  told  you  they  were 
going  to  be  married  ? 

Dr.  O'  T.     I  am  not  quite  sartin. 

Till.  I  can  tell  you,  that  I  have  discovered  you  to  be  an 
imposter ;  for  this  letter  informs  me  that  the  real  Doctor 
O'Toole's  bad  state  of  health  prevents  his  accepting  my 
situation  ;  and  so,  sir,  you  are  come  in  this  disguise  to  cheat 
me.     Who  are  you,  sir  ? 

Clms.  Stop,  I  know  him  well ;  he  is  an  honest,  good  fel- 
low, though  this  trick  may  be  rather  against  him  ;  still  I 
will  pledge  myself  that  he  shall  make  Mary  a  good  hus- 
band ;  we  will  take  them  into  our  service. 

Dr.  O'  T.  Never  fear  but  I'll  do  that  thing  ;  and  now, 
ladies  and  gentlemen,  that  I  lave  the  parlour  for  the  pantry 
again,  I  beg  to  assure  you  that,  whenever  you  call  at  this 
house,  I  shall  always  feel  the  greatest  pleasure  in  opening 
the  door  to  receive  your  commands. 

THE   END 


PR  THE  LIBRARY 

m  -,  .9  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNI> 

Santa  Barbara 

g-s  in 

STACK  COLLECTK 

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